I Didn’t Pray For You

I didn’t grow up daydreaming about my wedding and the many little babies I couldn’t wait to have. I didn’t fantasize about every detail with my dress and my dad walking me down the aisle. I didn’t pray for God or the Universe to bless me with a family and think about how I wanted to decorate a nursery. No, the love, marriage, baby carriage things weren’t on the forefront of my mind. No, quite the opposite. I didn’t know if I wanted any of those things. Sure, I wanted love and I even vividly remember going over a mental list I had with my mom for what I was looking for in a man (shortly afterwards my now husband Jeff and I started dating so I guess my prayer/law of attraction worked there but that’s a story for another time) but the other details about a wedding and kids and the white picket fence, American dream thing I didn’t have swirling around my head constantly. But someone bigger than myself knew exactly what I needed and exactly the story that needed to be written for my life.

No I didn’t pray for you initially, always knowing I wanted to be a mom. No, I didn’t, but little girl, God knew better than I did and gave me exactly what I needed (He always has and always does). First, giving me a best friend, partner, and husband and then opening my heart for you. He knows what is best and grants us more than we could ever dream of.

Even if I did yearn for you all those years and spent time imagining how my life would look as a mother and with you in it, it would never even be able to touch the reality of it. You are my greatest joy and my biggest blessing and I feel honored ever day that God had chosen me to be your mom. (Even on the days, especially of late, when I feel more bad than good and more down than up. Even on the days when it’s clear that this is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. Yeah, it is by far the most absurd, rollercoaster of a relationship.)

When we found out we were pregnant, that was the time I began praying and I will never stop. I pray you’ll be kind, fun, silly, generous, a good person, a world-changer, and the list goes on and on. You are already smart and funny and pretty and sweet and incredible. I pray that we will be able to live up to the reasons God picked us for you. I pray we show you right from wrong and what it means to be loved and always provide a comforting place to rest.

No, precious baby Pfeiffer Mackenzie, I didn’t start off praying for you but now I thank God everyday He put you here with me. I am so glad I’ve learned to trust God, divine intervention, the Universe and allow for this higher power to guide my life (some days that’s easier said than done). He knows better. He knows best. And I will continue my now daily prayers for you sweet girl and continue to rely on this power much greater than myself and the plans I have in my head.

Oh, and I’m also about to have a white picket fence in a few weeks.